The Donut Aficionado

My glazed egg and cheese donut combo

Hi and welcome to the first edition of back logged posts I should have put up a long time ago. I could give you a bunch of excuses as to why I never got around to posting these until now but let’s just say I was abducted and woke up in a field last week confused and with three mysterious dots underneath my left eye. I may never know what happened to me over the last year but that’s for our alien overlords to know now.  And with that, let’s continue onward to the post!

Last summer my good friend Ian and I traveled westward to find a sandwich so rare that it wasn’t even listed on the menu. In fact, news of this sandwich only traveled by word of mouth and by possible Sherpa. In fact, I would have never crossed paths with this donut if it weren’t for Ian and his equal passion for baked goods. It was located at the Mustard Seed, which was an unassuming deli in the middle of Bristol. Unfortunately for all those reading this, the Mustard Seed closed down a few months ago, making it exceedingly hard, if not impossible, to get one of these sandwiches but maybe if you and I are lucky we can convince the good people at Federal Donuts to whip up the specialty for a new era of “so wrong, but so right” sandwich.

Ian’s egg, cheese, and sausage glazed donut combo

So we went into the Mustard Seed and asked the woman behind the counter for the glazed egg and cheese donut sandwich. You read that right. Glazed. Egg and cheese. Donut. Sandwich. It was the most fattening thing I have ever ordered and it caught the attention of my fellow customers who had never seen two people order a glazed donut egg sandwich before. I felt like a part of the donut Illuminati, as though just saying the words out loud was a world wide conspiracy, hidden and protected by hundreds of years of secrecy. It was an uneasy moment where I felt as though Jay-Z could roll up in a black Escalade to smack the sandwich out of hands any at moment.

Ian’s “This is probably going to make me sick and happy at the same time” face

We waited only a few minutes and our sandwiches were ready for inevitable consumption. The ‘bread’ of the sandwich was a homemade glazed donut that the deli had delivered fresh from a bakery close by. The ‘meat’ of the sandwich was a fresh scramble of eggs with a blanket of American cheese laid over top. Ian chose to order his with sausage as well. I’m almost positive that you could have ordered anything you wanted to top this sandwich off with–being that they had it in the deli. Bacon, multiple layers of cheese, ham, hamburger, hotdog, an entire pig. You know, whatever you little heart desires and what your little arteries will hate you for later.

So I’m just going to put it out there–this sandwich was unbelievable. It might not look like much but the combination of the sweet glazed donut and the saltiness of the egg and cheese was melt in your mouth good. I saw past lives by just biting into it. It’s was like all of my dead grandparents were standing around me, proudly putting their hands on my shoulders and whispering “That’ll do, Maureen. That’ll do.”

It was hands down the best tasting sandwich I have ever had the pleasure of consuming all while simultaneously being the worst for me.  But despite all of the after effects–the residual drowsiness, questions of self worth, and shame, it was well worth it. I would hands down recommend this sandwich to anyone out there willing to try it, but given that the Mustard Seed is now closed, the donut sandwich may just fall into obscurity.  The owners of the Mustard Seed are much like the old lady at the end of Titanic when she decides to throw the hope diamond into the ocean instead of placing it in a museum, further depriving the world of a lost treasure. Maybe they didn’t want to do it, but they knew it had to happen, and now only James Cameron and an expedition of food historians can change that now.

So with that, I give it 5 stars for the execution, the unexpected deliciousness, and now the rarity of the sandwich. Someday we’ll meet again, glazed egg and cheese donut sandwich. Someday.

I’m posting right now because a very funny comedian and friend Jess Carpenter gave me shit last night about not writing this blog anymore. It was more so because every now and then Jess will send me pictures of donuts and/or donut art which he figures would be useful on my blog–which by the way, it totally is. However, over the past year, I’ve been a lazy POS in terms of blogging so instead of sharing all the donut swag people send my way with you, the readers, I’m selfishly hoarding all of it for myself to keep me warm at night when all of those dark feelings come around. No, donuts, you won’t leave me. So, with that I have accrued a lot of back articles that I have never posted. Donuts that I have eaten and said I was going to write about, but never actually did. So here I am sitting on my liar’s throne surrounded by donut swaggery that nobody really gets to see but me. How rude!

Yours and my nightmare tonight

So with that, I’m going to start going back and posting all these back logged, half written blogs in an effort to regroup and focus. After all, I’ve never once said a thing that I was going to do that I didn’t do until six months later then unexpectedlly stopped doing immediately.  Listen, ADD is a hell of a disease. So this post is going to be about a few things. Two photos of which Jess, himself sent to me, and one piece of pretty awesome donut swag that my good friend and fellow improviser, Martha Cooney gifted me over the holiday season.

First things first. Jess sent me this weird 1950′s ad (maybe its a joke ad, I hope not. Dear god, I hope not) about vitamin donuts. It features two rosy cheeked kids to either side of the ad who will unfortunately star in my nightmares later. That’s one thing I never got about 1950′s advertising. For such a family friendly and proper era, they sure did know how to up the ante on the creepy children aspect.

1950′s Artist: Sir! I’ve finished the drawings for the new vitamin ad!
1950′s Boss: Let me see here. Needs more soul devouring. If I’m not having nightmares, I’m not selling vitamin donuts! Back to the drawing room!

1950′s Artist: Jeepers!

In my mind, everyone in the 50′s said “Jeepers” “Pep” “Whiz” and “Pop.” Okay, screw it. I’m writing the rest of this post in 50′s slang.

Donut Robot

So Big Daddy sent me another poster that was just the ginchiest. So this hip dolly floored it to fat city and got a jets of an idea to write about that cooliolo on my futuristic writing machine (there wasn’t a word for ‘laptop’) The poster is a big metal man popping back the sweet treats like the sun don’t set. But if I have any say in the matter, that robot is a real shuckster and cheat. Robots can’t eat and that’s a real waste of a sweet washington, ya dig? I get it’s art, Sally but if this is real life, well we’re all just lighting up the tilt sign.

(*Editor’s note, writing in 50′s slang is a lot harder than I expected and I’m not going to remember what half of it means, so I’ll go back to being me, if that’s okay)

So, thanks Jess. Those two pieces were both unique and relevant to my interests.

Donut Coasters as they were

Last but not least, I have to throw these in here because they are awesome. Martha gave me these donut coasters! Awesome, right? (Even though I totally don’t use coasters, I’m a rebel *Edit for fact check: I actually just have shitty furniture) But what’s cool about these specific coasters is that they can be tailored into something equally as cool. So what I did was cut out some donut shaped magnets and glued the coasters and magnets into one beautiful union. My roommates have no idea what is about to show up on our refrigerator. So there you have it, not only am I bringing the donut news and topical information but I’m also giving great craft tips! Time to cut my hair and change my name to Zooey.

Until next time readers,

The Donut Aficionado

This is just one of the purest examples of why exactly I love the internet so much. Second only to the 40 ft inflatable Titanic water slide (complete with deadly iceberg!), because only the internet could turn a historical tragedy into watery fun!

Kid slides down the deck of the inflatable Titanic waterslide:
KID: Yayy! I’m dying! hahahaaa

Essentially, this is just a glorified rip off  snuggie with “hand warming” pockets and a “cute” anime donut on the front. At first glance, this looked like some sort of religious garb stolen from a secluded sec of Norwegian monks and then, of course, there after screen printed with a happy little donut on the front. I want to desperately say that nobody in their right mind would wear this but for Christ’s sake, we all know that they do. There are people out there who wear things like this. They exist. (They’re usually the hilarious fat guy at parties or stay at home moms who just picked it up in Bed, Bath, and Beyond.)

Pray to the Donut Gods, Heathens

My favorite part about this whole thing is that the “big” selling point are the two front pockets.

“Are Traditional Snuggies keeping your hands too cold?? Never worry about cold hands again with our new patent pocket snuggie! Feel the warmth of two blankets on your hands with duel pocket capabilities!!”

This is just getting ridiculous now. I thought the whole point of a snuggie was that you’d have the warmth of a blanket but with freeing arm and hand movement so that you can read books under candlelight. Now you’re adding pockets? Why not just use a fucking blanket? Or wear gloves!

Check it out here, but please for the love of god, just laugh at it and don’t actually buy it.

I’m not sure which is more disturbing the donut’s smile or the fact that they clearly photoshopped the model’s head off.  Buy a donut snuggie today, complete with your very own ghost! Exorcism not included.

http://www.cafepress.com/kimchikawaii.591653781

Everyone loves a good fat kid, but what do you get a fat kid for Christmas? A DIY Donut machine, that’s what! I could go into the whole “give a fat kid a donut and he’ll eat one donut, teach a fat kid how to make donuts and they’ll eat until their feelings aren’t hurt anymore” rant, but let’s be honest, they’re not going to make their own donuts. And I only know this because I know I wouldn’t–Hey mom! MOM! You Seriously didn’t make my donuts today?? MOM!

She heard me…

There's nothing like having a giant cartoon donut in your house

Anyway, I like to think the DA isn’t just about reviewing donuts and pastries. This blog is here to ensure that every reader is well rounded in donut knowledge across the board including how to make your own personal confections. I saw this kitchen appliance a few months ago online and am now just writing about it, because here at the DA we believe in the integrity of journalism and reporting, but also the integrity of our leisure time, which let’s be honest, is wayyyy more important.

So here it is straight from the horse’s mouth (ie. Amazon):

Gather around and enjoy the warm, sugary goodness of a State Fair classic with help from this adorable Sunbeam donut maker. Shaped like an oversized version of the delicious treat, complete with rounded lid, center cutout, and printed “sprinkles”, the delightful appliance quickly creates up to five donuts in a matter of minutes – no more messes and added fat from deep fryers or pots of oil on the stove to contend with. Furthermore, its nonstick cooking surface easily releases the completed baked goods and cleans up effortlessly when through. To use, simply power on the unit and wait for its “warm-up” and “bake ready” indicator lights to illuminate. Fill the donut-shaped molds with batter, secure the hinged lid, and carefully remove the desserts to a rack to cool after baking. Then the decorating fun begins, with topping options ranging from frosting and powdered sugar to sprinkles, chocolate drizzles, and more – just let creativity be the guide. While the unit offers too much fun to pack away for long, its latching lid allows for space-saving upright storage in a cupboard, pantry, or drawer when not in use.

Wait, wait. Adorable? No more added fat? No deep frying?? Clearly, I should have read this review first. None the less, I’ll recommend the purchase, because we all know there are a million and half other ways to re-add all that missing fat from delicious deep fryers. Quite frankly, I’ll recommend just about anything that looks exactly like what it bakes. It’s for the dyslexic bakers. Now only if we had toasters that looked like toast, frying pans that looked like eggs, and George Forman Grills that look like George Forman. Because let’s not cheat ourselves out of this, if grills by law had to be shaped into something, there is no way George Forman wouldn’t make a grill that didn’t have his face on it.

http://www.amazon.com/Sunbeam-FPSBDML920-Donut-Maker-Yellow/dp/B003TSB4M8/ref=sr_1_3?s=appliances&ie=UTF8&qid=1323369302&sr=1-3

Hello fellow Donut lovers,

Fore score and actually several months ago, I started this blog with the full intention of writing weekly updates about donuts, pastries, and anything else that slightly resembled a doughy, sprinkled, glazed confection. Up until a couple months ago, I was well on my way to over coming my writer’s block and pushing through to achieve my weekly blog goal. However, this goal was derailed. More than that, actually. This goal blew up in my face like my own personal fiery (and efficient!) Hindenburg. On board was Creative Maureen, Motivated Maureen, Intellectual and Witty Maureen–may they rest in peace. And to the dismay of many, the only Maureen to survive the great crash of 2011 was “Liking Cat Pictures on Facebook” Maureen, the worst and least contributing member to society. Oh, the humanity!

Though I can’t explain my recent disappearance from the oh so sacred interwebs, I can only offer seedlings of hope. Though we have lost Creative, Motivated, Intellectual, and Witty Maureen–may they rest in peace–their spawns live on as budding saplings in the smokey ashes of my brain. May they rise like the great phoenixes of their fore-Maureens and bring about a new, greater, era of the Donut Aficionado. In laymen’s terms, I’m back! Let’s do this for real this time okay?

Love,

Maureen (all of them)